So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize