it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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