just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
