I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
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i will never coherently bang her
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
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HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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