just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
