And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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