While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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