how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
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His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
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Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.