A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
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Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
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I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in