sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
