I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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