I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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