In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
