she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
