i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
