dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
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i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
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It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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