so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
