Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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