Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
