Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
