all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
