I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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