She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
