YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
