i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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