I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just found a bag of teeth...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have aggressive nipples.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
