yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
