Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
