I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
