I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
