I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
