She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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