Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
