He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
