I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
