I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
