Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
