I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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