If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
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Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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