I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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