when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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