I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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