I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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