I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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