I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
