the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
