girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
