I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just want to make out with him forever
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
