What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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