just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
