Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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