the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
