so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
