Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
we're making bets on your personal life
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
